Good enough is okay.

I'm a weird, late night, "really ought to go to bed, but I'm going to read a random blog on the Internet anyways" type of person. I have gotten better in that my normal bedtime has shifted from 11:30pm to around 10:30 pm. Much to Sam's relief.

Anyways...the last few days a thought has been mulling around in my head and I've read a few blogs that have caused me to react a bit internally. So, I'm going to process it out here and see what other people think.

There's this thought out there that "I turned out fine" is not a good argument for parenting. Because, after all (as some parents are pointing out), do we want "fine" children or "exceptionally great" children?

So, if you let your children eat candy and stay up late and watch hours of non-educational t.v. and use the argument, "I did that and I turned out fine", then really you are a lazy parent and how dare you procreate?

(By the way, the above statement is an exaggeration of one point of view).

Here's my thought. Sometimes parents have to go into survival mode.

As a very busy mom of three small children (plus wife to an amazing man who does way more than his fair share of everything--except breast feeding, lol) there are days when it's enough that my children are dressed and not pooping in their pants. The images of having a clean house (with no clutter or dust), healthy meals that don't consist of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and children who are not whining or fighting, are finally leaving my head.

Do I strive to do things well? Of course! I want my children to eat healthy food, and we do everything we can to make that happen. Junk food in our house looks like tortilla chips and salsa or gold fish crackers with the occasional animal cracker thrown in (yes, there is sugar and corn syrup in it. Sue me). We buy organic when we can, we make them eat their vegetables, etc. But, sometimes it's easier to order pizza on a busy night. Sometimes, it's easier to say, "yes" to the piece of candy rather than say "no" and face the whining.

I want my children to have great imaginations and not sit in front of the t.v. for hours at a time. So, we do have limits to how much t.v. is watched and when. But, there are days when I need to get stuff done and it's easier to say yes to just one more episode of The Amazing Spiderman! (hooray for 1960's t.v. on Netflix!) so I can mop the floor or finish preparing a lesson rather than deal with the outcome of fighting children while attempting to get stuff done.

And you know what? So far, my kids have turned out fine. In fact, I might dare to say that my kids have turned out more than fine. I know I'm their mom and I am biased, but I think that a lot of people would agree that my kids are pretty pleasant to be around.

I think that parents need to get off of the judging train and be more encouraging. I think that it's perfectly "fine" that we don't know where our kids are going to attend high school. (I wish I were exaggerating when I say that someone was slightly horrified that I haven't planned that far ahead.)

To make a long post longer, there are a few things that I cringe when people say, "I turned out fine" with.

Car seats: Yes, the car seat laws are intense and perhaps when we were little we were just "fine" rolling around in the back of the cars or *gasp* riding in the open back of a pick up truck. But, how many people were killed or horribly injured when a car accident happened that might have been "fine" had they been properly secured? So, yes, I will err on the side of caution with car seats and keeping my kids in them as long as necessary.

Bike helmets: Yes, I grew up not wearing one and I was fine, but I also never fell off of a bike and hit my head. Sorry, my kids will wear helmets when they are on their bikes (and skateboards later on). And, if they don't want to wear one, they won't ride.

But, other than that (and a few other hopefully obvious things), we all do the best we can and honestly, if my kids turn out "fine" I'm okay with that!

What do you think? Could parents be more supportive of other parents in your opinion?

Stuff.

Just a quick update, mainly to show off the new look of the blog. Isn't it pretty? And look! We even have a picture of our whole family (from Christmas light looking, but...still) ---------------------------------->

Nathaniel: He has taken off on his reading and has turned into a real book worm. As in, "Why are you asking me to do anything mom? Don't you see I'm in a book?" Type of book worm. He is reading chapter books and is able to tell me what is going on in the book as well. :) He is definitely flourishing. He also learned how to ride his bike and is doing well in Boy Crew (an all boy drill team at school).

Aaron: Aaron started speech therapy last week and I think he will do well. Part of his problem is that he simply needs to slow down and think about what he is saying. Also, he needs to work on his 's' sound, but it will come. At least we are working towards a goal. And, he is paying more attention when he talks. He's so sweet. I mean, super sweet and loves to give hugs and kisses and take care of people around him. :)

Benjamin: Some time in the past few weeks Benjamin morphed into that not tiny baby/almost toddler stage. He's most happy surrounded by people, especially his brothers. He loves to clap and dance, and will joyfully teach anyone around him to clap as well. He crawls super fast and will stand and walk around on the furniture (or pushing a laundry basket), but he prefers the quicker mode of transportation.

Sam and I are fine. :)

Verbalization

Aaron was assessed by a Speech Therapist today.

We were on the fence about whether or not he needed to be evaluated. In our minds he is still a baby, mainly because we are in denial as to how stinking fast the last three years have gone. But, indeed, Aaron is three, Benjamin will be one soon (eek!!) and in a few short months Nathaniel will be finished with Kindergarten.

*sigh*

We realized that there were issues with Aaron's speech when more often than not we were looking to Nathaniel and saying, "Can you translate please?" when Aaron would say a sentence. So, at his three year well check up I asked the pediatrician what she thought and, after listening to Aaron speak, she wrote me a referral to get him evaluated.

I always wondered how I would react if one of my kids needed some extra help. I wondered if I would be on the side of over reacting and trying to get help for my kid who actually didn't need help, or if I would be a parent in denial, refusing to see anything out of the ordinary with my child and living out of a fear of labels.

Imagine my mixed relief sitting in the therapist's office today watching her write down notes while asking Aaron to name pictures and point out different things. Why yes, Aaron, those are in fact two dog. (No s on the end)

And the monkey IS eating a mannananana (or something like that, it all runs together).

Turns out what I thought was a lazy tongue (the kid drools A LOT for being three) is actually mild speech Apraxia. Not a big deal, but easier dealt with at the age of 3 rather than waiting until he is in elementary school.

While we could go through the school district, we've opted for a private therapy place because our insurance is great right now, and it would be a pain in my butt to go through the school district since we are usually about 5 miles away from our school district on any given day. I'm hoping that by summer it will be a thing of the past and I will finally be able to understand exactly what it is that he wants without saying, "What?" a billion times.

And hopefully he will be able to confidently speak what he's thinking and know that he will get what he needs/wants.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing this whole "mom" thing right. After all, I yell at my kids when I'm tired and my patience is low and they are Just. Not. Listening. I let them play in the backyard unsupervised (it's all enclosed), and when they are fighting and punches are thrown I tell them to work it out.

I've also been known to use sarcasm at times. (I know, shocker).

But, in the past two weeks three separate people who are not in my inner circle have told me that I'm a good mom. These are people who see me in the rushed morning dropping kids off at school, when I'm at my most stressed out from a morning of playing, "For the love of everything that is holy just get your stinking shoes on! I don't care if he stole your blanket, it's not coming with us anyways just Get. Your. Shoes. On!!!"

It's been a good ego boost.

That, and seeing the smiles that are reserved for me from my boys and hearing their secrets at night. I'm cherishing it because I know in the blink of an eye they will be teenagers. :)

Just another day at church. :)

I realize I haven't put up a photo for awhile. Here is Sam in the foreground, me holding a sleeping Benjamin and looking down to talk to one of the other kids. I think it pretty much sums up where we are right now. Busy busy busy. (But happily so).

An experiment in faithfulness.

The Season of Lent is upon us once again.

This year I've made a definite effort to be faithful in sticking with my fast for Lent, but doing it out of desire to draw closer to God, rather than out of a simple, "Oh, well, I should do this" sense of duty.

I also chose something that would actually draw me closer to God rather than simply benefit me.

In the past I've given up some sort of food, or internet, or a bad habit.

This year, I'm giving up sleep.

Not all sleep. I'm not crazy, nor am I mean to my family (yeesh! Could you imagine?) But, I am getting up about 30 minutes earlier every day to read and pray. In addition (and those people who know me will realize that this is where the real sacrifice comes in), I chose a devotion book to go through that is not based from nerd-dom.

It's something about being God's Princess. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, yech).

What's funny though? Even though I just picked it based on what I had laying around (seriously, only people who don't know me at all give me books like that), it's actually meeting me exactly where I'm at. The scripture has been what I need to hear and some of the passages have kicked me in the spiritual butt (while some have made me go, "Ummmm...yeah, not where I'm at).

It's been good. I'm probably going to continue, because it makes the morning go a lot easier (probably the whole getting right up rather than laying in my bed hitting snooze and eliminating things out of my morning routine. Who needs to shave anyways?). But it's also been hard.

The actual act of getting up in the morning has been easier than I thought. But, every other aspect has been hard. Spiritually speaking, my butt is getting kicked. I'm facing opposition in weird places, people who normally would be encouraging aren't, and I'm feeling....well...alone.

But, I know it's good. My family is awesome and wonderful. My job is still wonderful as well. Things are going well! Promise!

But, it's still weird.

Grief.

I've been hugely introverted the past few weeks, which causes my mind to go a billion miles an hour.

I've come up with some good blog fodder, but realistically, I either don't have the motivation to write it down, have a fear deep down inside me, or lose it out of my mind in between work and the kiddos.

This morning, however, one topic kept coming to the top of my brain, and it has refused to leave me alone.

Grief.

American culture is horrible with allowing people to grieve things properly. I'm not sure what it is, but it seems that while it's okay to be sad at the death of someone (or something like a season of life), we better get over it soon, or else there is something wrong with us.

The thing about grief is that it never truly goes away. It comes in waves, and while sometimes we think we have a handle on the tide and know the ebb and flow, a rogue wave comes and knocks us flat on our butts.

Grief has kind of sneaked up on me the past few weeks. Perhaps it's because I've bought into the idea that I should be "over" the sadness associated with the death of a loved one, or perhaps it's because I've been so busy that I haven't taken the time to reflect and remember. Either way, the rogue wave came and knocked me on my butt this morning as I found myself sobbing in the shower (all of my best thinking and praying is done in the shower, it's the only place I'm guaranteed five minutes of no interruptions. Don't tell Sam, but sometimes I just hang out and let the water fall over me for a few extra minutes without actually doing anything productive).

9 years ago my dad died.

I'd say that I've grown used to the idea that my dad is no longer around (not that he was a super present person while I was growing up, but that's not relevant right this second). But, really, in actuality, I don't think that I will ever get used to the idea that I simply can't call him, or blame his absence on anything else.

I find myself wondering if he would be proud of me and the woman I've become.

I wonder what kind of a grandfather he would be to his grandchildren.

I'm careful not to paint some pie in the sky ideal about him, but it doesn't stop me from wondering what our relationship would look like now.

Since my dad's death I've watched some dear friends lose their fathers. It makes my heart ache for them, because I know what they are experiencing, especially as they watch their dads slowly pass away due to cancer.

The sucky thing is, I don't have anything good to say. There aren't any positives, really. I mean, sure, they are out of pain, but really I would rather have not had them go through any pain to begin with. You know, if we're making wishes right now.

So, later this morning as I cried on Sam's shoulder, I said, "You know, I think we're supposed to be sad when someone dies. Death isn't natural. I mean--it is, but when God created us, it wasn't part of the plan. Until sin entered the world, we didn't experience pain and death."

I think this is rambling, so I will close this up. I guess my point is this. When we lose someone close to us, we need to give ourselves freedom to mourn. We have to be okay with crying at the weirdest times (like when we're in Starbucks and the song that you danced at your wedding is playing). But, we also have to give others room to mourn and grieve as well. We should never find ourselves saying to someone, "Oh, you're not over that yet?" if they say that they are sad about someone dying.

Grief sucks. But, wallowing in sadness is even suckier, so...I allow myself to cry, I allow myself to remember and wonder, and then I continue on with the present and the joys that are around, because I am surrounded by some pretty great people. :)

How we save money, part II

Yesterday I thrilled you all with details about how we save money by making our own baby food. I know that you have all been thinking, "When will she post more about saving money?" Especially my child-free friends ;). So, rather than have you all checking your computers incessantly, I am going to take advantage of one sleeping boy and two other boys who are currently entertained by our furry house guest.

When we moved into the rental house last year Benjamin was hanging out in utero. We also had one child in diapers. Having done the whole "two children in two different sizes of diapers" bit before, I was not looking forward to dropping 50.00 at a time every time we needed to buy diapers. Knowing that we would finally have access to washer/dryer hookups, we decided that we would purchase a washer and a dryer and look into cloth diapering our third child.

I began to do lots of research and asked my cloth diapering friends loads of questions. One internet friend pointed me towards the cottonbabies website. After looking around the website, it quickly became my favorite 'go-to' for all things cloth diapers. They were super informative and helpful, AND (as an added bonus), provided free shipping! What's not to love?

I decided that we would try the BumGenius 4.0.

First of all, these diapers are adorable. Check it out.

Our first batch of BumGenius 4.0, adjusted to fit Aaron.

Second of all, the diapers are super easy to use and very similar to disposable diapers. All I had to do was put the liners inside of the pockets, then put it on my child. The snaps are super convenient because they don't pill and lose their snappy-ness, much like Velcro does.

Finally, the kids look super cute in the diapers, if I do say so myself. :)

Aaron showing off the cloth diapers.

They even work for nap time!

They worked great on the newborn as well (and look at that fluffy butt!!).

At first I was nervous about washing the diapers, I mean, the one thing I actually liked about disposables was that I could just throw out the mess. Although, with leaks and such I still had to deal with poop, but just the thought of having to dump and rinse and other stuff, I was not looking forward to it. But, once I decided to suck it up and do it, the "dirty job" of washing diapers was really not so bad. For one, we have a wet bag that hangs on the door knob of Benjamin's closet. It has a water proof liner and a cute fabric cover. The pee diapers are simply dropped into the wet bag while the poop diapers have the solid waste dumped into the toilet, then the diaper is deposited into the wet bag. The bag contains all of the smell, I promise! No one has ever entered our house and said, "Woah, what is that smell?" In fact, having used a Diaper Genie for my disposables in the past, I would have to say that that thing reeked, while my wet bag contains the odors super well.

Every other day I simply dump the bag into the washer, do a rinse cycle, a wash cycle on hot, another rinse cycle, then put the inserts in the dryer while the covers line dry. It's super easy and I have saved myself time and money. I don't have to drive to the store any more (it usually happened late at night) to get diapers, all I have to do is a load of laundry!

Now, let me break down the cost for you.

We have 26 BumGenius 4.0 diapers. We bought all of them on sale (buy 5 get 1 free). On average, one BumGenius 4.0 costs $16.99 (Now they are $17.95, but I'm going to estimate how much we saved/are saving so I will use the 16.99 price). So, 22 diapers (because we got four free with their sales) cost us $373.78. I also bought wipes and a wipe warmer and some wet bags, but I'm solely going to go off of the cost of diapers to keep this blog entry shorter).

On average, our kids have been potty trained around the age of 2.5. So, for Benjamin we will have spent $373.78 on diapers for his whole life. If we had bought disposable diapers, that would have cost us approximately (based off of the price of Luvs on diapers.com, and off of the average of 8 diapers per day-I'm guessing lower because while newborns use more diapers, toddlers don't use as many) $1,918.00. That is a savings of approximately $1,445.00.

That more than made up for the cost of our washer and dryer.

Not to mention we used the cloth diapers on Aaron for the past 8 months, which saved us more money (I can't figure out the math...).

Since doing my research, 3 of my friends have begun to use cloth diapers (although, I think they were more inclined to do so before I said anything). I've also become somewhat of a zealot with cloth diapers. I can't help it though! Who doesn't love to save money? And, it is so easy!

I write all of this to help my friends who are wondering if cloth diapering is worth it. But, I'm also writing this in response to a contest that Jennifer Labit (the founder of cottonbabies) is having. I am not receiving any compensation at all for this post, but if she likes my post I could win 12 free BumGenius diapers. Also, one person who comments on my post will win 12 BumGenius diapers of their own (if my blog post wins). Considering I have a full supply of diapers, I will happily gift most of my set given to someone else as well (I know lots of pregnant people right now).

So, help me win my Internet friends and family! Comment away and let me know what you think of cloth diapers. Does it work for you? Would you be willing to try it? Do you think I'm crazy? Aren't the BumGenius diapers cute? I will let you know on January 16th whether or not I've won (and which one of my commentators won as well if I've won).

And, if you haven't considered cloth diapering, DO IT! :) If not, at least click on over to the cottonbabies website and check it out. It's more than just diapers.