Oh, my poor neglected blog. I remember when I used to update this thing regularly! Now, while I have thoughts to blog about on a semi regular basis, I don't actually want to sit down and type it up when I could actually be sitting with my kids reading, playing or snuggling them.
But, I thought it was time to dust the cobwebs out of the corners of this poor thing and jot down a thought I had this morning while picking Asher up from speech therapy (yup, poor Asher, who looks like Aaron in every single way is also following in his speech footsteps, at least this time it isn't an articulation thing, it's a "the words are in the brain he just won't say them" thing, which seems to be an easier fix).
As a mom of 4, who knows quite a few other moms of more than 2 children, I'm exhausted. I also hear similar refrains of, "I'm so tired!"
Often times it is meant literally. As in, if I could sit and close my eyes for 3 minutes I am immediately in REM.
Other times it's spiritually and emotionally. As in, I have zero empathy left to give and I'm saving every last shred of it for my family because they have to live with me. Others don't, so I'm sorry if I'm short and distant with you, it's not you, it's me. Seriously.
Sometimes it's the weariness of having to go through the same stage of parenting again. Like the terrible 2's. Seriously, if I could sleep through the 2 stage (with a non-verbal kid! Oh gosh, it's torture!!), I would be happy.
I can see why the youngest gets away with more than the oldest ever did. Parents are TIRED. We're older, and we are weary of having the SAME battle over and over again.
As I was thinking of that this morning (when Asher threw a fit and arched his back while I put him in the car seat), I thought of my active life.
Ages ago I was a runner. 8 years ago my friend and I got into our crazy heads that we should run a 1/2 marathon. Then, she actually signed up for it, which made me sign up too. I did not train well for that race. The most miles I ever actually logged was 8, which meant that on race day I did fantastic for 8 miles. Miles 9 and 10 were painful, and by miles 11 and 12 I was barely shuffling across the line because every single muscle ached. My posture sucked, and I lost a toenail.
A few years later I signed up for another 1/2 marathon as motivation to get my butt in gear after having Benjamin. I was way more diligent training for that race and had energy for the whole thing, not stopping to walk at all and was able to walk the next day (I also kept all of my toenails!).
I've also started lifting weights the past 3 years. During this time, and while training for another 1/2 marathon, I realized that it's when I'm exhausted that I must be the most careful. When I'm tired and sore I have to be very aware of my body position, the way my feet hit the ground, whether I have perfect form, etc. If I get lazy, or let exhaustion take over, that is when I can do the most damage.
It carries over into parenthood as well. I have worked really hard the past 9+ years to be consistent and loving with my children and their discipline.
There are days where I am bone weary. The days like yesterday where I was up at 4:50 am to go work out (because it's the only time I can consistently take care of ME), then spent the rest of the day working and giving and caring for others, along with trying to get quality time in with the 5 other members of my family and help a student journey through a difficult time. By the time I got home, it was 10:30 pm. I could have flopped into bed and immediately have been asleep, but instead Sam and I stayed up talking and catching up with each other ("Hey, I still love you!"), which meant bedtime at 11:30. Every part of me ached, but I can't give up.
My children deserve to have a mom who is consistent and who is mindful of who they are and how they are growing.
Asher deserves to have a mom who is as eager to read and play and take on adventures as Nathaniel did. It doesn't matter if I'm tired, I need to have good form or else there will be issues that crop up later. I can't stop because I'm tired.
I can't let the little things slide because I'm tired and worn out. Because those little things will turn into bigger things later on.
I need to keep on training myself (and my children) and working towards the bigger goal. The goal that is WAY more important than a silly finisher's medal. The goal of raising young men in a world where the struggles of having standing up for their beliefs while showing empathy and understanding for others is a real thing.
I'm not raising good kids. I'm raising future adults who need to function in the world. They need to know boundaries and understand the WHY of things and the importance of knowing what they stand for and why they stand for it.
If I let my exhaustion get in the way, I'm only failing them.