One Year...

Some days I feel like screaming.

I feel like telling all of the old ladies in the grocery store to shut their mouths and stop looking at my little family with that whimsical look in their eyes. I feel like gathering up my small brood of children and finding that magical stop watch so I can indeed stop time and stay right here.

I get it. Time flies.

These days go fast.

"Enjoy it while you can, because before you know it..." yada yada yada.

I am very aware that time is screaming by at warp speed and I am helpless to do anything but enjoy each and every moment I have with my little boys.

I feel like right here, right now, is the perfect time to freeze time (if we are indeed finished having children, the jury is still out on that one *don't tell Sam*).

The boys all adore each other (when they aren't purposely trying to annoy each other, even Ben has gotten in on the whole yell to out yell the other one game, oy). They wrestle together, they make each other laugh huge, giant, belly laughs.

Sam and I are in good health. We are active and enjoy going on adventures. We have the energy needed to chase after our gaggle.

Plus, our kids still love us, and aren't afraid to show it. When Nathaniel is scared or sad, he comes to me for comfort and isn't embarrassed to yell out hello and run out of line to come and hug and kiss me at school. Aaron does cute things like say over and over again, "Oh! A hug!! Oh!! A kiss!!" when saying good-bye to me. And Benjamin, my sweet, sweet Monkey is at that cute almost toddling age, where everything is agreeable and as long as the naps are regular and the brothers are entertaining, he is good to go.

I wish I could pause time. I really do, but I know that we have more memories to make and the boys have their own adventures to go on.

For now though, I sit back in the quiet stillness of our house after a long day (which, apparently it was opposite day and Aaron forgot to send me that memo...) and I remember and count my blessings.

Benjamin turned one on Saturday and it blew my mind because honestly, it seems like it was just last month that I was still giant pregnant, praying for an easy delivery. And now...well...now I have a 30 1/2 inch long, 24 pound 4 ounce toddling toddler.

Oh my heart....

As for the little old ladies. I will let them smile at my family and tell me to enjoy my time, because I know that I will probably be one of those old ladies (singing and dancing with my cart no doubt, thanks Mom). Hopefully though, I will be like the lady who told me once, "I know that it's hard right now, but try to enjoy it, it won't last forever."

Gaining confidence

Nathaniel has finally gained confidence and has found his voice.

It's such a relief. This is the same boy who a year ago wouldn't speak up when he was in pain and needed help at school. He also wouldn't say anything if someone was picking on him or had hurt his feelings.

However, this year at kindergarten I have enjoyed watching him come out of his shell. I have seen him act silly in front of the entire class, I have seen him confidently do what he wants to do instead of joining in an activity that other kids are doing, and I've seen him "use his words" in a way that shows that he is sure of himself.

Last week at school one little girl was hanging on him a little bit. Nothing major, but she was holding onto his shoulders and trying to "help" me get sunscreen on him (it was really sweet). Nathaniel, however, did NOT like her help and boldly (but not in a mean way) turned to her and said, "Stop it!" He said it three times, but she eventually got the idea. And, he didn't cry. :)

However, today showed me that he really has become more confident in who he is.

Sam took Benjamin with him when they took his mom to the airport tonight. When they left I was out in the garage starting laundry and cleaning up some things, so Nathaniel and Aaron were in the house alone for a few minutes. When I came back inside Nathaniel came out of his bedroom with a look of surprise on his face. He then said, "I thought you went to the airport with grandma!"

I looked at him and said, "No, Dad did. Wait, did you think I left too?"

Nathaniel said, "Yup!"

He was perfectly fine even though he thought that we had left him alone with his little brother. A year ago, he would have come unglued!

I did ask him what they were doing to do while we were gone. He said, "Play. And wait for you."

He makes me laugh...

Good enough is okay.

I'm a weird, late night, "really ought to go to bed, but I'm going to read a random blog on the Internet anyways" type of person. I have gotten better in that my normal bedtime has shifted from 11:30pm to around 10:30 pm. Much to Sam's relief.

Anyways...the last few days a thought has been mulling around in my head and I've read a few blogs that have caused me to react a bit internally. So, I'm going to process it out here and see what other people think.

There's this thought out there that "I turned out fine" is not a good argument for parenting. Because, after all (as some parents are pointing out), do we want "fine" children or "exceptionally great" children?

So, if you let your children eat candy and stay up late and watch hours of non-educational t.v. and use the argument, "I did that and I turned out fine", then really you are a lazy parent and how dare you procreate?

(By the way, the above statement is an exaggeration of one point of view).

Here's my thought. Sometimes parents have to go into survival mode.

As a very busy mom of three small children (plus wife to an amazing man who does way more than his fair share of everything--except breast feeding, lol) there are days when it's enough that my children are dressed and not pooping in their pants. The images of having a clean house (with no clutter or dust), healthy meals that don't consist of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and children who are not whining or fighting, are finally leaving my head.

Do I strive to do things well? Of course! I want my children to eat healthy food, and we do everything we can to make that happen. Junk food in our house looks like tortilla chips and salsa or gold fish crackers with the occasional animal cracker thrown in (yes, there is sugar and corn syrup in it. Sue me). We buy organic when we can, we make them eat their vegetables, etc. But, sometimes it's easier to order pizza on a busy night. Sometimes, it's easier to say, "yes" to the piece of candy rather than say "no" and face the whining.

I want my children to have great imaginations and not sit in front of the t.v. for hours at a time. So, we do have limits to how much t.v. is watched and when. But, there are days when I need to get stuff done and it's easier to say yes to just one more episode of The Amazing Spiderman! (hooray for 1960's t.v. on Netflix!) so I can mop the floor or finish preparing a lesson rather than deal with the outcome of fighting children while attempting to get stuff done.

And you know what? So far, my kids have turned out fine. In fact, I might dare to say that my kids have turned out more than fine. I know I'm their mom and I am biased, but I think that a lot of people would agree that my kids are pretty pleasant to be around.

I think that parents need to get off of the judging train and be more encouraging. I think that it's perfectly "fine" that we don't know where our kids are going to attend high school. (I wish I were exaggerating when I say that someone was slightly horrified that I haven't planned that far ahead.)

To make a long post longer, there are a few things that I cringe when people say, "I turned out fine" with.

Car seats: Yes, the car seat laws are intense and perhaps when we were little we were just "fine" rolling around in the back of the cars or *gasp* riding in the open back of a pick up truck. But, how many people were killed or horribly injured when a car accident happened that might have been "fine" had they been properly secured? So, yes, I will err on the side of caution with car seats and keeping my kids in them as long as necessary.

Bike helmets: Yes, I grew up not wearing one and I was fine, but I also never fell off of a bike and hit my head. Sorry, my kids will wear helmets when they are on their bikes (and skateboards later on). And, if they don't want to wear one, they won't ride.

But, other than that (and a few other hopefully obvious things), we all do the best we can and honestly, if my kids turn out "fine" I'm okay with that!

What do you think? Could parents be more supportive of other parents in your opinion?

Stuff.

Just a quick update, mainly to show off the new look of the blog. Isn't it pretty? And look! We even have a picture of our whole family (from Christmas light looking, but...still) ---------------------------------->

Nathaniel: He has taken off on his reading and has turned into a real book worm. As in, "Why are you asking me to do anything mom? Don't you see I'm in a book?" Type of book worm. He is reading chapter books and is able to tell me what is going on in the book as well. :) He is definitely flourishing. He also learned how to ride his bike and is doing well in Boy Crew (an all boy drill team at school).

Aaron: Aaron started speech therapy last week and I think he will do well. Part of his problem is that he simply needs to slow down and think about what he is saying. Also, he needs to work on his 's' sound, but it will come. At least we are working towards a goal. And, he is paying more attention when he talks. He's so sweet. I mean, super sweet and loves to give hugs and kisses and take care of people around him. :)

Benjamin: Some time in the past few weeks Benjamin morphed into that not tiny baby/almost toddler stage. He's most happy surrounded by people, especially his brothers. He loves to clap and dance, and will joyfully teach anyone around him to clap as well. He crawls super fast and will stand and walk around on the furniture (or pushing a laundry basket), but he prefers the quicker mode of transportation.

Sam and I are fine. :)

Verbalization

Aaron was assessed by a Speech Therapist today.

We were on the fence about whether or not he needed to be evaluated. In our minds he is still a baby, mainly because we are in denial as to how stinking fast the last three years have gone. But, indeed, Aaron is three, Benjamin will be one soon (eek!!) and in a few short months Nathaniel will be finished with Kindergarten.

*sigh*

We realized that there were issues with Aaron's speech when more often than not we were looking to Nathaniel and saying, "Can you translate please?" when Aaron would say a sentence. So, at his three year well check up I asked the pediatrician what she thought and, after listening to Aaron speak, she wrote me a referral to get him evaluated.

I always wondered how I would react if one of my kids needed some extra help. I wondered if I would be on the side of over reacting and trying to get help for my kid who actually didn't need help, or if I would be a parent in denial, refusing to see anything out of the ordinary with my child and living out of a fear of labels.

Imagine my mixed relief sitting in the therapist's office today watching her write down notes while asking Aaron to name pictures and point out different things. Why yes, Aaron, those are in fact two dog. (No s on the end)

And the monkey IS eating a mannananana (or something like that, it all runs together).

Turns out what I thought was a lazy tongue (the kid drools A LOT for being three) is actually mild speech Apraxia. Not a big deal, but easier dealt with at the age of 3 rather than waiting until he is in elementary school.

While we could go through the school district, we've opted for a private therapy place because our insurance is great right now, and it would be a pain in my butt to go through the school district since we are usually about 5 miles away from our school district on any given day. I'm hoping that by summer it will be a thing of the past and I will finally be able to understand exactly what it is that he wants without saying, "What?" a billion times.

And hopefully he will be able to confidently speak what he's thinking and know that he will get what he needs/wants.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing this whole "mom" thing right. After all, I yell at my kids when I'm tired and my patience is low and they are Just. Not. Listening. I let them play in the backyard unsupervised (it's all enclosed), and when they are fighting and punches are thrown I tell them to work it out.

I've also been known to use sarcasm at times. (I know, shocker).

But, in the past two weeks three separate people who are not in my inner circle have told me that I'm a good mom. These are people who see me in the rushed morning dropping kids off at school, when I'm at my most stressed out from a morning of playing, "For the love of everything that is holy just get your stinking shoes on! I don't care if he stole your blanket, it's not coming with us anyways just Get. Your. Shoes. On!!!"

It's been a good ego boost.

That, and seeing the smiles that are reserved for me from my boys and hearing their secrets at night. I'm cherishing it because I know in the blink of an eye they will be teenagers. :)

Just another day at church. :)

I realize I haven't put up a photo for awhile. Here is Sam in the foreground, me holding a sleeping Benjamin and looking down to talk to one of the other kids. I think it pretty much sums up where we are right now. Busy busy busy. (But happily so).

An experiment in faithfulness.

The Season of Lent is upon us once again.

This year I've made a definite effort to be faithful in sticking with my fast for Lent, but doing it out of desire to draw closer to God, rather than out of a simple, "Oh, well, I should do this" sense of duty.

I also chose something that would actually draw me closer to God rather than simply benefit me.

In the past I've given up some sort of food, or internet, or a bad habit.

This year, I'm giving up sleep.

Not all sleep. I'm not crazy, nor am I mean to my family (yeesh! Could you imagine?) But, I am getting up about 30 minutes earlier every day to read and pray. In addition (and those people who know me will realize that this is where the real sacrifice comes in), I chose a devotion book to go through that is not based from nerd-dom.

It's something about being God's Princess. (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, yech).

What's funny though? Even though I just picked it based on what I had laying around (seriously, only people who don't know me at all give me books like that), it's actually meeting me exactly where I'm at. The scripture has been what I need to hear and some of the passages have kicked me in the spiritual butt (while some have made me go, "Ummmm...yeah, not where I'm at).

It's been good. I'm probably going to continue, because it makes the morning go a lot easier (probably the whole getting right up rather than laying in my bed hitting snooze and eliminating things out of my morning routine. Who needs to shave anyways?). But it's also been hard.

The actual act of getting up in the morning has been easier than I thought. But, every other aspect has been hard. Spiritually speaking, my butt is getting kicked. I'm facing opposition in weird places, people who normally would be encouraging aren't, and I'm feeling....well...alone.

But, I know it's good. My family is awesome and wonderful. My job is still wonderful as well. Things are going well! Promise!

But, it's still weird.